Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
