oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
