she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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