I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just made my gag reflex go away.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
