I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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