How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize