my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
