i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
