my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
