I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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