I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
