He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
