just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
