hell yes lets make some ravioli
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
