I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
