You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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