just come out here and I will go home with you...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i was born a porn star she said
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
