I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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