the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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