Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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