The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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