So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
