There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
