What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
