I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
