To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why do cheetos always look like penises
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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