That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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