So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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