i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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