I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
