we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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