I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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