these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
