so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
