dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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