Betty ford says i'm here all night
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize