Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
