i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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