She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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