I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
