My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize