I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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