I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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