I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
