So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
