I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
