My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
