I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize