My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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