the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
