I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
