apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize