I think I died a long time ago.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
