Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
