i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
