she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
