Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
