Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
